The Most Important Thing You Can Do For Your Children Is To Be Their Dad

Parents agree that open parent/child communication is invaluable when raising children. Yet, when kids sit down and talk to parents about tough issues like violence, sex, alcohol/drugs, and HIV/AIDS, they are more often sitting with mom than with dad. This may have more to do with fathers missing conversation opportunities or avoiding certain topics than with a lack of connection between dads and their kids. In an effort to separate fact from fiction, shed some light on father-child communication, and provide some tools for initiating conversations, the Talking with Kids about Tough Issues Campaign (a national effort to support parents by the Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now) has teamed up with the National Fatherhood Initiative and ESPN to create this special focus on Dads.

The Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now conducted a national survey of 10 to 15 year olds and parents of 10 to 15 year olds in the fall of 1998 to find out whether kids and parents were talking about tough issues like violence, sex, alcohol/drugs and HIV/AIDS. Below are some of the survey findings regarding dads.

How Strong Are Dads' Influence, and Are Kids Comfortable Talking to Dad about Tough Issues?

According to parents, fathers have a strong influence on how their kids think about these issues, albeit slightly less than the influence of mothers. Kids say dads are a good, credible source of information on difficult issues. A majority of kids ages 10 to 15 feel that their father has a good understanding of issues such as AIDS, violence, sex and alcohol, and rank their mothers' understanding just slightly higher than their fathers.

While kids ages 10 to 15 say they are generally more able to talk to mom than dad when something is bothering them, many report they are equally comfortable talking with either parent about certain tough issues. Over a third say they are equally comfortable talking to mom or dad about AIDS, alcohol and drugs, and about how to handle violent situations. Regarding the issue of violence, many kids prefer to talk to their dads.

On the topic of sex, more kids 10-15 prefer to talk to mom than dad. However, it is interesting to note that boys answer differently than girls on this issue. Regarding sex-related topics, boys are fairly evenly divided among those who are most comfortable with mom, dad or either parents, while girls are much less comfortable talking with dad about these issues.

Do Dads Talk with Their Kids about Tough Issues?

Fathers today are talking with their kids about some tough issues but are avoiding others; also, they still lag behind mom in dealing with most of these issues. Most fathers (eight in ten) report talking with their kids about a range of tough issues, including the basics about drugs, alcohol and violence. However, only about half of dads are talking to their kids about the basics of reproduction and less than half are talking about AIDS, relationships, when to become sexually active and how to prevent pregnancy and STDs. Furthermore, topics like what to do if someone brings a gun to school, how to handle peer pressure to use drugs or alcohol, and what AIDS is and how its spread are only being discussed by 1 in 5 dads. So there is a lot of room for dads to make themselves open to more topics and start talking about them with their kids.

The good news is that dads who are having conversations are proactively initiating them, rather than waiting for their kids to come to them first. If kids sense their parents are apprehensive about discussing certain topics, they will be less likely to speak openly and honestly. Parents who initiate tough conversations themselves show they aren't shy and are willing to talk frankly with their kids.

When Dads Do Talk, Kids Listen and Learn

Kids are glad to hear from their parents. Among those who have had conversations with dad, either alone or with their other parent, 9 out of 10 reported having a positive experience. They felt they received good ideas and that the conversations were helpful overall. Even during talks about sex, where kids said dad was less comfortable having the conversation, kids still thought talking was helpful.

Talk Opportunities

With boys, dads need to take advantage of the fact their sons are comfortable talking with them about all issues, including sex. Taking advantage of everyday talk opportunities like car rides, a TV show or a homework assignment will create time to delve beyond the basics into the issues on which their sons wish to learn more.

With girls, dads should also look to everyday talk opportunities, rather than wait for an incident at home or in the community, to prompt a conversation. Open communication about tough issues like violence, drugs and alcohol can help create an environment in which their daughter feels more comfortable talking with them, even about sex. And, if she isn't comfortable talking with dad about sex in particular, the conversations will likely increase her comfort with going to dad when faced with other tough issues.

As you can see, kids definitely want more information from their parents!

Percent of Kids and Parents Who Say...	Kids Ages 13-15 Want More Info About Topic	Parents of 13-15 Yr. Olds Who Never Talked About
How to handle potentially violent situations	44%	16%
How to know when you are ready to have sex	43%	26%
How to handle peer pressure to use drugs/alcohol	42%	7%
How to protect against AIDS/STDs	42%	15%
What to do if someone brings a gun to school	41%	23%
How to prevent pregnancy and STDs	40%	29%
What STDs are	39%	12%
How to handle pressure to have sex	39%	19%
How alcohol/drugs might affect decisions to have sex	39%	24%
What AIDS is	37%	11%
What kinds of birth control are available	30%	37%
Homosexuality	19%	21%
How girls get pregnant	19%	14%
Drinking and driving	18%	11%

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